The other day, I was sitting in the car next to my mom. We were stopped at a red light, in the middle of the smelly, dirty, shopping center we know as the Cumberland mall. As she talked to my sister, and my sister ignored her as usually, I was fixated on the sight in front of me.
I watched the cars go by, for 10 seconds that felt like an hour. For the first time, I realized a disturbing, amazing, extraordinary, shrinking, truth.
I every one of those cars, there is a human being. A human being with an entire life story, and an entire destiny that I know absolutely, positively nothing about. They go about their lives as I go about mine. The human race moves, it chugs and clinks like the parts inside a steam engine, as one.
I will, never, ever get to have a face-to-face conversation with everyone on planet earth. But I sure as hell want to try. I want to travel, almost as much as I want to make movies about the people I meet. I want to learn their stories, their routines. I want a little sip of their destiny soup, and mix all the flavors I've tasted into some ugly, gorgeous, delicious stew. The ultimate film, realized...
I'm only a freshman in high school. Why am I rushing my life? I'm laughing right now.
Peace
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
God
If people (besides you) are actually reading this, I want to say something. And honestly, its just because I want a reaction.
I don't believe in god.
I don't think I ever have. Some days my mind will wander back a while and I'll be sitting in the pews at that hick church next to that grimy tire shop. It was, and still is the only place where I ever had a taste of what religion is. I didn't understand it. I knew only three things: sing when you're told, don't talk, and I got free crackers and grape juice.
In some odd way, six-year-old me believed that it was a human being's duty to travel to some weird building every Sunday, sit down, and pray to Jesus or god or Moses or whoever that guy on the stain glass window was. I thought religion was, in simple terms, law.
But, as people tend to do, I grew up. My mom stopped taking me to church. Besides the fact that I now had no coloring book time, I could have cared less, and I didn't question it for quite some time. Then came teenagedom, which hit me like a baseball bat to the gut. I thinned out. I gained muscle. My voice dropped. All that jazz. And with my new body came an entirely new perspective, and a new realization.
I didn't HAVE to believe anything.
Do I? I often wondered. But day after day, the thought dug deeper and deeper into my mind and eventually cemented itself, planted itself, and stayed. I had become a rational thinker. I had realized something that made me understand, that made my life easier happier, and freer. I was a new person.
And, I was a rebel. Truly, Southern New Jersey is not exactly a safe haven for a person who is agnostic. When I was younger and my ecclesiastical ignorance bore its ugly head, my peers would simply educate me as well as they could. "Jesus is our savior" they said. "God lives up the sky!" the beamed. But, now that I had entered high school, I feared that me simply stating my doubts towards a huge bearded man in the clouds would quickly escalate, and many would view me as some mad atheistic prophet. So I kept it under wraps.
I remember a conversation I had sitting on the bus on a chilly morning with my friend Matt. A stout blond kid with an infectious smile, he was also quite religious.
"I don't know If I really believe in all that," I said, shrugging. His grin twitched.
"So," he paused. "You're an atheist?" The boy stared at me with eyes that pulled out my reaction like a vacuum. I swallowed, but quickly, coolly smirked and said:
"Not exactly," His smile returned.
"Good, I was about to punch you in that face." He laughed his bumpy laughed, and I chuckled.
Still time went on, and I soon came to the realization that I was NOT in fact, an Atheist. It is my humble opinion that Atheists are narrow minded, pessimistic bafoons. But anyway, I developed a slightly different view towards all people religious. I did not understand them. I had no desire to bind myself to some unknown deity and follow a set of rules.
But I believe in something. Not a jolly man sitting in the sky. Not a fat Asian guy preaching karma and peace for all. Not something that can be skewed, abused, and misunderstood. Not something that shoves a set of laws down your gullet.
Something pure. Something with no personality, no goals, and no favorites. Like a puppet master who has complete control. He moves his marrionetes. He can snap the strings. He can tie them back together. He can mend his worn down toys, or he can set them aflame and toss them off a mile-high cliff. But in the end, he only wants to put on a show. That puppet show, is our lives.
And for better or worse, we're the puppets.
I don't believe in god.
I don't think I ever have. Some days my mind will wander back a while and I'll be sitting in the pews at that hick church next to that grimy tire shop. It was, and still is the only place where I ever had a taste of what religion is. I didn't understand it. I knew only three things: sing when you're told, don't talk, and I got free crackers and grape juice.
In some odd way, six-year-old me believed that it was a human being's duty to travel to some weird building every Sunday, sit down, and pray to Jesus or god or Moses or whoever that guy on the stain glass window was. I thought religion was, in simple terms, law.
But, as people tend to do, I grew up. My mom stopped taking me to church. Besides the fact that I now had no coloring book time, I could have cared less, and I didn't question it for quite some time. Then came teenagedom, which hit me like a baseball bat to the gut. I thinned out. I gained muscle. My voice dropped. All that jazz. And with my new body came an entirely new perspective, and a new realization.
I didn't HAVE to believe anything.
Do I? I often wondered. But day after day, the thought dug deeper and deeper into my mind and eventually cemented itself, planted itself, and stayed. I had become a rational thinker. I had realized something that made me understand, that made my life easier happier, and freer. I was a new person.
And, I was a rebel. Truly, Southern New Jersey is not exactly a safe haven for a person who is agnostic. When I was younger and my ecclesiastical ignorance bore its ugly head, my peers would simply educate me as well as they could. "Jesus is our savior" they said. "God lives up the sky!" the beamed. But, now that I had entered high school, I feared that me simply stating my doubts towards a huge bearded man in the clouds would quickly escalate, and many would view me as some mad atheistic prophet. So I kept it under wraps.
I remember a conversation I had sitting on the bus on a chilly morning with my friend Matt. A stout blond kid with an infectious smile, he was also quite religious.
"I don't know If I really believe in all that," I said, shrugging. His grin twitched.
"So," he paused. "You're an atheist?" The boy stared at me with eyes that pulled out my reaction like a vacuum. I swallowed, but quickly, coolly smirked and said:
"Not exactly," His smile returned.
"Good, I was about to punch you in that face." He laughed his bumpy laughed, and I chuckled.
Still time went on, and I soon came to the realization that I was NOT in fact, an Atheist. It is my humble opinion that Atheists are narrow minded, pessimistic bafoons. But anyway, I developed a slightly different view towards all people religious. I did not understand them. I had no desire to bind myself to some unknown deity and follow a set of rules.
But I believe in something. Not a jolly man sitting in the sky. Not a fat Asian guy preaching karma and peace for all. Not something that can be skewed, abused, and misunderstood. Not something that shoves a set of laws down your gullet.
Something pure. Something with no personality, no goals, and no favorites. Like a puppet master who has complete control. He moves his marrionetes. He can snap the strings. He can tie them back together. He can mend his worn down toys, or he can set them aflame and toss them off a mile-high cliff. But in the end, he only wants to put on a show. That puppet show, is our lives.
And for better or worse, we're the puppets.
Monday, February 6, 2012
I Had a Moment
It was night.
I got out of the car, walked over the craggy driveway stones, and put my hands on my knees like some used up wet dish rag.
I just stood there. Thinking.
But something told me to look up. Some weird itch crawling around in the back of my exhausted and emotionally unstable brain. So I did, and I saw the moon.
Bright. Blinding, even. The rays hit me like some sort of intangible freight train.
I breathed through my mouth.
The moon's glow crawled down my throat, dug into my ears, overwhelmed my eyes, and... I changed.
I forgot about everything.
About school.
About the useless jerks I'm surrounded by.
About my plans.
About girls.
About my parents.
About what was for dinner.
About the people I love.
About my best friend.
About an itch on the bottom of my chin.
I forgot about everything, and just stood there like an idiot staring up at the big white orb floating around in the sky. Then, my mind emptied. All I thought was whiteness, that of the moon, and black three words floating and immobile. I closed my eyes and thought one thing.
Life is bliss.
I got out of the car, walked over the craggy driveway stones, and put my hands on my knees like some used up wet dish rag.
I just stood there. Thinking.
But something told me to look up. Some weird itch crawling around in the back of my exhausted and emotionally unstable brain. So I did, and I saw the moon.
Bright. Blinding, even. The rays hit me like some sort of intangible freight train.
I breathed through my mouth.
The moon's glow crawled down my throat, dug into my ears, overwhelmed my eyes, and... I changed.
I forgot about everything.
About school.
About the useless jerks I'm surrounded by.
About my plans.
About girls.
About my parents.
About what was for dinner.
About the people I love.
About my best friend.
About an itch on the bottom of my chin.
I forgot about everything, and just stood there like an idiot staring up at the big white orb floating around in the sky. Then, my mind emptied. All I thought was whiteness, that of the moon, and black three words floating and immobile. I closed my eyes and thought one thing.
Life is bliss.
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